The Role of Fantasy

In feedback and comments, I am often asked why submissives and dominants behave the way they do. I don’t think there is a single, simple answer, but fortunately, there is a great non-fiction book that does a better job than anything else I've seen in explaining why we create these elaborate sexual fantasies and roles, and what it all means for interacting with others:  
Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Dr. Michael J. Bader

For doms and subs, I believe it’s all about the fantasies of control. The underlying reality of the relationship, on the other hand, requires equal control and responsibility for “safe, sane, and consensual”.

My own sense is that the key to any sort of mutual sexuality is understanding our partner’s inner fantasies. Our brain is almost certainly our biggest sex organ. Knowing how to play with your partner’s fantasies can make you a magical lover. That’s one of the reasons that I love Serena so much in Summer Hire. She has a totally intuitive ability to tap into another person’s inner fantasy life, and then play with it.

Tapping into people’s inner fantasies is one of the reasons that I wrote (probably too much) about Melissa’s struggle with the taste of cum. I mean, let’s face it, the taste and texture of semen is disgusting. What changes the entire game is understanding the inner fantasy that most men have about their cum. For guys, when we ejaculate, that’s it. We’re generally done for awhile. Maybe we’re good to go again in about 20-30 minutes, when we’re younger, but that gets worse with age. (So many things do.) Even more important, for guys, our ejaculate is the entire foundation of our evolutionary drive to have sex and propagate our genes. It’s the prize. Yeah! I shot my wad of cum! I’m a winner! Our fantasy is that women treasure our cum as much as we do. Even more unrealistically, we want to believe that we produce such huge amounts of cum that it splashes everywhere and simply overflows a woman’s mouth. If our cum is our pinnacle contribution to sex, we want to believe it’s huge. Let’s face it, guys are hopelessly and  inordinately proud of our little bit of ejaculate. Alas, we’re hard-wired that way.

Of course, when an ordinary woman winds up with that load of semen in her mouth, she’s not likely to share our enthusiasm. This is where the disconnect between the fantasy needs of the two different partners can create horrible disappointment. If our brain is our most important sex organ, we also need to understand that during sex, our brain is completely under the control of our underlying fantasies about what we want sex to be. If a woman understands her male partner’s inner fantasies, she will intuitively understand that she should be grateful he decorated her with his precious semen (I know, it’s weird, but stay with me here). He has given her his grand prize. If she makes a disgusted face and spits it out, that’s crushing to his ego. (Most male egos are every bit as fragile as most female egos, especially during the vulnerable state of sexual intimacy.)

Instead, if she is excited and grateful — yeah! he won! and I helped! — and she plays with it — see, isn’t this cum fun? I can scoop drops of it up with my fingers and tease it apart — and then she gobbles it all up — can’t get enough of your precious cum dear — then a whole different message is being sent. Not only does she understand and respect his fantasy needs, she actively embraces them and plays with them — celebrates them. For instance, if it all went in your mouth, push a bit out with your tongue so it dribbles down your chin. “See, your load was so huge I couldn't hold it all in.” These sorts of white lies are the bedrock of fantasy. And don't forget to wipe the dribbles of cum up with your fingers and then gratefully lick them off — after all, you can’t get enough, right? After stoking his fantasies this hard, you’ll have him crawling across a floor of broken glass to worship you and please you. And if he isn’t willing to get bloody knees, if he doesn’t get the message that he better work hard to understand your fantasy needs and return the favor, then it’s definitely time to get rid of him and try another. (Of course, you should try explaining your fantasy needs to him and give him a chance to learn before throwing him out. He could be trainable. Plus, people don’t talk enough about their sexual needs anyway. Clear communication really, really helps.)

The true miracle occurs when the woman is so deeply tuned into her partner’s inner fantasies, that she gets to the point where she isn’t faking it anymore. She actually is grateful that he came in her mouth. She actually does enjoy playing with his cum and gobbling it all down. Sure, it still doesn’t taste great (okay, it’s still disgusting), but that doesn’t really matter. The mutual joy in the shared sexuality that she is creating overwhelms everything else.

It may seem like a lot to ask of a female sub, but remember, that sub is also asking a great deal of her dom partner. He has to be creative, work hard to set up scenes, and take risks about what will or won’t arouse her. He really has to put his ego on the line. If the scene falls flat for her, after everything he has invested in it, then he feels a harsh sense of failure (or he should, if he has any worth as a dom). And while he’s struggling with all these issues, the sub doesn’t have any responsibilities at all because she’s tied up and helpless. She’s forcibly restrained to be only in receive-mode. All of his attention is on her, not on himself. He is (or should be) working as hard as possible to tap into her inner fantasies, tickle them, play with them, draw them out, twist them in new directions, inflate them to impossible dimensions — until she explodes helplessly into endless waves of mind-blowing orgasms (or at least has a good time). That’s his part of the bargain. For a good dom, taking her on that journey gives him at least as much joy as his own orgasm. Probably more. (Warning: If he doesn’t really care about whether she’s having fun, but instead, his joy comes from having control over her, then run! Run away fast. Run away far. He is a soul-sucking asshole to be avoided forever. Not that I have strong feelings about this, mind you.)